I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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