oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
