the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
