If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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