I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
