I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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