When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
