thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
