im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
