Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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