the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize