And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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