It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
