two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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