we have pet lesbian snakes
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
