I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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