Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
