mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize