no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
