Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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