is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
my being single is dangerous.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
