quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
