I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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