Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
