I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
