um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
