Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
