i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
