i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
