Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
