Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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