New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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