The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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