So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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