took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
