I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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