omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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