Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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