you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
