I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
