I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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