Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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