Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i was born a porn star she said
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
