I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
