dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
