Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
