So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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