My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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