i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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