Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
