I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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