She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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