I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
