party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
