i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
