I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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