I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
