Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Bring me that man meat
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
