There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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