Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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