You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
