you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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