I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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